Wellbeing for Parents

It’s so easy to fall into the trap as busy, time-poor parents of prioritising everyone’s needs but our own. We make sure the children have had a nutritious breakfast, but then eat half a biscuit and slurp a cold coffee for ourselves. We make sure our children have a good bedtime routine and get enough sleep each night, then we find ourselves scrolling late into the night, and trying for hours to get our wired and tired minds to drop off. 

But what if our own wellbeing is just as important as our children’s? What if our ability to be the parents we want to be, depends on us caring for ourselves too?

Modelling the right behaviour

I have had the privilege of speaking to over 400 experts on my podcast Motherkind – from parenting experts to doctors and psychologists – and every single one of them has passionately told me the same thing: we have to prioritise our own wellbeing as parents too. 

Parenting is one of the most physically and emotionally demanding roles there is: we have to focus on our own health, so we don’t burn out. And sadly burnout amongst parents is at an all time high with 93% of parents reporting feeling burnout. It’s why we’re told on an aeroplane to put our own oxygen masks on first, before helping others – and shows that the old adage ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ is true.

So many parents I speak to worry that caring for themselves is “selfish” – they feel guilty when they do something that’s just for them, instead of for their kids. I want to completely reframe that: looking after yourself is looking after your children. 

Think about it: when you’re exhausted, stressed out and overwhelmed, it’s harder to play, harder to emotionally connect and harder to be present. And these are things our children need from us. 

When we’re able to care for ourselves as parents, we’re in turn teaching our children that looking after themselves is important. It’s actually confusing for children to hear messages about the importance of looking after themselves, but then witnessing the opposite, i.e. when they see the caregivers around them saying one thing but doing another.

The misleading idea label of ‘self-care’

So how do we actually do it? The term ‘self-care’ might come to mind, but I think that has come to be synonymous with two things us parents very rarely have: time and money. 

So instead of self-care, I recommend focusing on energy management. As humans we don’t have an unlimited supply of energy: it’s a finite resource, and needs to be allocated in a way that reflects what’s important to us. And it needs to be replenished.

When your phone runs out of battery, you plug it in. You don’t stop and wonder whether the phone ‘deserves’ to be recharged – we know that, if we want it to work, it has to be charged.

Just like our phone batteries run down every day, so too do the daily stresses and pressures of parenthood deplete us. We need to balance the scales, with daily acts of energy management. 

Taking care of your energy is not a nice-to-have: it’s your right. Recharging shouldn’t be seen as a ‘reward’ for when you’ve ticked off everything on your to-do list (which, as we all know, never happens). 

A realistic balancing act

My energy management tool is simple, intentionally so, because we have enough on our plates as it is. By paying close attention to what gives you energy, and conversely understanding and avoiding what drains your energy, is like cash injections in your energy account whilst making fewer withdrawals – your energy balance increases. 

Most people, when they feel exhausted or low on energy, think about what they should do more of – more sleep, more nutrition, more exercise. But this approach is so powerful because it also invites you to think about what you need to do less of. 

So I invite you now to spend a few minutes thinking about what affects your energy. With what gives you energy, it could be just a few simple things – the people that make you feel great, the things you do that you always look forward to, how you like to have fun; and with things that drain you, what leaves you feeling tired, what you dread, what you agree to and then wish you hadn’t. 

Once you have your unique list, then you can begin to do less of what drains you and more of what replenishes you. 

Taking better care of yourself as a parent might feel like a monumental task, so make sure you start small. Change sticks when we start small, and build more and more each week or month. Thousands of parents I’ve supported have reported back to me that making these small, achievable changes in their lives have given them more genuine joy, fun and energy in their lives – all of which enables them to be the parents they want to be. 

I know how hard it is to prioritise your own wellbeing and mental health as a parent, but I hope I’ve helped you consider things differently – to see that looking after yourself is actually part of being a good parent. Now go and drink a hot cup of tea – you deserve it. 

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Zoe Blaskey has coached hundreds of mothers on how to navigate the huge challenges of modern motherhood. She hosts and produces The Motherkind Podcast which is the UK’s No. 1 family podcast on iTunes, with 4 million downloads, and has been featured in Red, The Telegraph, Psychologies, Goop, SheerLuxe and Mother&Baby. Zoe is on a mission to share proven tools and ideas to help mothers feel less alone and more resilient, empowered, fulfilled and confident. Find out more about Zoe here and follow her at @zoeblaskey.